Navigating “Das Ist Nicht Üblich”: Social Expectations in Germany

Okay, so here I am, six months into living in Munich, and let me tell you, learning German is hard. It’s not just the vocabulary, although that’s a monumental task. It’s… the unspoken rules. The things people don’t say, but you learn through observation and, inevitably, making a few awkward blunders. Today, I want to talk about one of the biggest challenges: understanding and meeting social expectations in Germany. It’s not about being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, it’s about fitting in and showing you’re respectful.

The Initial Shock: Small Talk and “Wie geht’s?”

When I first arrived, everyone kept asking “Wie geht’s?” (How’s it going?). Initially, I’d just give a polite “Gut, danke.” (Good, thank you.) and move on. Turns out, that’s not really a conversation starter. It’s an obligation. You’re expected to respond with something a little more than just “gut”.

My friend, Sarah, who’s also an expat, explained it to me. “It’s like, they’re offering you a little connection. You have to acknowledge it, even if it’s just briefly.” She showed me how it’s done:

“Hallo, Markus! Wie geht’s?” (Hello, Markus! How’s it going?)

“Hallo, Sarah! Mir geht’s gut, danke. Und dir?” (Hello, Sarah! I’m fine, thanks. And you?)

See? You reciprocate. It’s a tiny exchange, but it signals you’re engaged. I started to feel a bit guilty when I just shrugged off the question.

“Entschuldigung” – Your New Best Friend

Seriously, if there’s one word I’ve learned to say constantly, it’s “Entschuldigung” (Excuse me/Sorry). It’s used in every situation. Bump into someone on the street? “Entschuldigung!” Need to get past someone in a queue? “Entschuldigung!” Made a small mistake ordering coffee? “Entschuldigung!” It’s not just about apologizing for a wrong action, it’s acknowledging you’ve potentially inconvenienced someone. I once accidentally knocked over a display in a shop and panicked. I burst out with “Entschuldigung! Entschuldigung! So leid!” (Excuse me! Excuse me! I’m so sorry!). The shopkeeper just smiled and said, “Kein Problem.” (No problem.) – a phrase you’ll hear a lot!

Dinner Invitations & The Importance of “Danke”

My colleague, Thomas, invited me to his family’s Abendessen (dinner). I was thrilled – a chance to experience German family life. When I arrived, everyone was incredibly welcoming, but there was an underlying expectation of conversation and appreciation. I was trying to navigate the conversation about politics (a minefield!) and was mostly nodding, which, I realize now, wasn’t ideal.

Afterwards, my host’s mother, Frau Schmidt, said, “Das war sehr lecker, vielen Dank!” (That was very delicious, thank you very much!). I realized I hadn’t expressed enough gratitude. It wasn’t just about the food; it was about showing my appreciation for their hospitality. “Vielen Dank” is key.

Silence is Not Golden: Small Talk & “Was machen Sie?”

This was a huge one for me. In the UK, we’re used to lots of small talk. In Germany, silence is often considered more comfortable, especially with people you don’t know well. Someone will ask you “Was machen Sie?” (What do you do?) – and expecting you to give a detailed explanation of your profession and interests.

I once launched into a five-minute explanation of my marketing career, complete with jargon, and the person just nodded politely, then moved on. It was mortifying! I learned that a short, polite answer is usually sufficient – “Ich arbeite in Marketing.” (I work in marketing) – and then, perhaps, a follow-up question.

Don’t Rush – “Bitte” and Patience

Germans value politeness and taking their time. I learned this the hard way when I tried to order my coffee in a rush. The barista, a very patient young man, kept saying “Bitte warten” (Please wait) and gesturing for me to slow down. I realized I was disrupting the flow of the cafe and making everyone uncomfortable. “Bitte” (Please) is your mantra here. Be patient.

It’s About Showing Respect

Ultimately, navigating social expectations in Germany is about showing respect. It’s about acknowledging people, being polite, and understanding that silence isn’t a sign of rejection. It takes time, observation, and a willingness to make mistakes (and learn from them!). “Das ist nicht üblich” (That’s not usual) – a phrase I’ve learned to recognize – often means “Please try doing it this way.” And I’m slowly, slowly, getting the hang of it.

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Do you want me to delve deeper into a specific aspect of this, such as:

• Specific regional variations in social customs?
• More complex conversations and potential misunderstandings?
• Practical phrases for different situations (e.g., shopping, public transport)?